(with Chris Tebbetts)
This is the insane story of my first year at middle school, when I, Rafe Khatchadorian, took on a real-life bear (sort of), sold my soul to the school bully, and fell for the most popular girl in school. Come join me, if you dare …
(with Chris Tebbetts)
We’ve moved to the big city, where I’m going to a superfancy art school. The first project is to create something based on our exciting lives. But my life is TOTALLY BORING. It’s time for Operation Get a Life.
(with Lisa Papademetriou)
So you’ve heard all about my big brother, Rafe, and now it’s time to set the record straight. (Almost) EVERYTHING he says is a Big, Fat Lie. I’m Georgia, and it’s time for some payback … Khatchadorian style.
(with Chris Tebbetts)
I’m excited for a fun summer at camp—until I find out it’s a summer school camp. There’s no fun and games here, just a whole lotta trouble!
(with Julia Bergen)
Who would have thought that we—Rafe and Georgia—would ever agree on anything? That’s right—we’re writing a book together. And the best part? We want you to be part of the fun too!
(with Chris Tebbetts)
I’m in worse trouble than ever! I need to survive a gut-bustingly impossible outdoor excursion so I can return to school next year. But will I get through it in one piece?
(with Chris Tebbetts)
I’m heading back to Hills Village Middle School, but only if I take “special” classes … If that wasn’t bad enough, when I somehow land a place on the school football team, I find myself playing alongside the biggest bully in school, Miller the Killer!
(with Chris Tebbetts)
It’s a dog-eat-dog world. When I start my own dog-walking empire, I didn’t think it could go so horribly wrong! Somehow, I always seem to end up in deep doo-doo …
(with Martin Chatterton)
I just won an all-expenses-paid trip of a lifetime to Australia. But here’s the bad news: I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT OUT ALIVE!
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Join Jamie Grimm at middle school where he’s on an unforgettable mission to win the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic Contest. Dealing with the school bully and coping with a disability are no trouble for Jamie when he has laughter on his side.
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Heading to the national semi-finals, Jamie’s one step closer to achieving hit dream! But will a sudden family health scare put his ambitions on hold?
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Jamie’s heading to Hollywood for his biggest challenge yet. There’s only the small matter of the national finals and eight other laugh-a-minute competitors between him and the trophy—oh, and a hurricane!
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Jamie has achieved his dream of becoming the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic, and now the sky’s the limit! Enter a couple of TV executives with an offer for Jamie to star in his very own show …
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Jamie has a national contest trophy and a TV show under his belt, but teaching other kids how to be funny is the toughest gig that he has ever had. And if he fails, his school library will be shut down for good!
(with Chris Grabenstein)
The Kidds are not your normal family traveling the world on crazy adventures to recover lost treasure. But when their parents disappear, Bick and his brothers and sisters are thrown into the biggest (and most dangerous) treasure hunt of their lives.
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Bick, Beck, Storm and Tommy are navigating their way down the Nile, from a hot and dusty Cairo to deep dark jungles, past some seriously bad guys along the way.
(with Chris Grabenstein)
The Kidds are desperately trying to secure the ancient Chinese artefact that will buy their mother’s freedom from kidnapping pirates.
(with Chris Grabenstein)
When the biggest heist in history takes place in Moscow, the Kidds rush in to rave the day—but instead, they’re accused of being the thieves themselves!
(with Chris Grabenstein)
When Storm is kidnapped, the Kidds must locate the lost Incan City of Paititi … before the bad guys find it first.
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Sammy is just your average kid … except he lives in a house full of robots! Most of the time it’s pretty cool. But then there’s E, the worst robot ever. Come see if Sammy ever manages to make any friends with a loser robot tagging along …
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Sammy and E are finally making some friends at school. But disaster strikes when E malfunctions just in time to be upstaged by the super-cool new robot on the block.
(with Chris Grabenstein)
When Sammy’s inventor mom becomes distracted by a top-secret project, the robots soon begin to fall into disrepair. Cue a robot revolution!
(with Chris Grabenstein)
With her irresistable urge to tell a joke in every situation—even when she really shouldn’t—twelve-year-old Jacky Ha-Ha loves to make people laugh. And cracking wise helps distract her when things are not-so-funny.
(with Chris Grabenstein)
It’s summertime on the shore, and for Jacky Hart it’s all about her starring role in the boardwalk’s biggest blockbuster!
(with Chris Tebbetts)
Kenny is the life-saving, world-famous superhero otherwise known as Stainlezz Steel. But when his grandma really needs his help, can he save the day?
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Raised in a laboratory, Isaiah is extremely smart, but scared of everything. One day, he manages to escape and is forced to leave his family behind. Can someone as small and as frightened as he is have the power to change the world?
(with Chris Grabenstein)
David and his best friend Michael were tagged with awful nicknames in preschool, and are still stuck with the names in seventh grade. Will TV megastardom help change everyone’s minds?
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Jimmy loves reading so much that he’s inspired to start a book company for kids—run by kids. It’s a big dream for a twelve-year-old boy—some would even say it’s laugh-out-loud ridiculous! But that doesn’t stop Jimmy from dreaming even bigger.
This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
Epub ISBN: 9781473536289
Version 1.0
Published by Young Arrow 2018
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
Copyright © James Patterson 2018
Illustrations by Laura Park
Excerpt from Jacky Ha-Ha: My Life is a Joke © James Patterson 2017
Illustrations in excerpt by Kerascoët
Cover art by Daniel Griffo
Cover design by Stephanie Yang
Cover © 2018 Hachette Book Group, Inc.
James Patterson has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
This is a work of fiction. All characters and descriptions of events are the products of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons is entirely coincidental
First published by Young Arrow in 2018
Based on Middle School: How I Got Lost in London, published by Young Arrow in 2014
Young Arrow
The Penguin Random House Group Limited
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www.penguin.co.uk
Young Arrow is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 9781784753917
AT THE AIRPORT, everything was crazy. There were kids and parents and chaperones trying to find each other, plus half a zillion other people, all traveling in half a zillion other directions.
And then there was a little room where we could all finally stop and gather up for our big goodbyes before I had to find the other kids. It was definitely insane, but I could actually start to see the adventure I had been imagining.
“Excited?” Grandma asked me.
“Yep,” I said, but honestly, I was kind of nervous, too.
“You sure you have everything?” Mom asked me.
“Yep,” I said, even though I had this weird feeling I was forgetting something.
“Are you really sure you have everything?” Georgia asked, in that annoying way where you know she’s not really asking a question. Then she held up the phone Grandma was lending me for the trip with a really smug smile.
“Where’d you get that?” I asked her.
“It was sitting on your bed while you were walking out the front door, genius,” she said.
“I told you to stay out of my room,” I said, and grabbed it back.
When it comes to snooping, my sister has superpowers. And she was definitely going to do some supersnooping while I was in London. That’s why I’d spent the last week blowing my nose and leaving all the used Kleenex in my desk and dresser drawers. There was also some mega-realistic plastic dog puke on my closet floor, and a note under my mattress that said “STOP SNOOPING OR DIE!”
But that was it. I couldn’t worry about Georgia anymore. It was time to go. Mrs. Stricker was yelling at the parents to say goodbye so we could all get ready to hop into the security line, which looked about two miles long.
“All right, off you go,” Mom said, and then walked me a little closer. When it comes to saying goodbye, Mom always likes a little time alone with me. I kind of like it, too.
“This is so exciting. Your first time out of the country without me!” she said. “And who would’ve thought you’d turn into such an international jetsetter? I thought Australia was exciting enough, what with the surfing and drop bears and the bunyip adventure, which I would personally rather forget.” She stopped, embarrassed.
She was rambling about my last trip abroad—I won a school art competition and the prize was a free trip to the Land Down Under. Things didn’t turn out so well, but I was glad I had the chance to go.
Even if it did end in disaster.
“You’re going to have a great trip, sweetheart,” Mom finished.
“Yeah …,” I said. “I guess so.”
“You guess?” Mom said.
“Well …”
“What is it?” she said.
She can always tell when I’m feeling weird about something. And this wasn’t the kind of weird I wanted to put in a video, where everyone would hear about it. But I could tell Mom, even if it came out a little awkward.
See, this was supposed to be some great thing, right? I was really lucky to go somewhere as crazy exciting as London. (Grandma helped out and got her friends to buy about twenty thousand rolls of wrapping paper in our school fund-raiser, and I got a scholarship, thanks to Ms. Donatello.)
But here’s the problem: the only real friends I had were staying back in Hills Village, on the wrong side of a pretty huge ocean. That included Flip Savage, the funniest kid I’ve ever known, and Junior, my dog and best non-human friend.
In other words, I was on my own for this trip. Totally friend-free. Which was like going back to the bad old days at Hills Village Middle School, when I was about as popular as Mystery Meat Monday in the cafeteria.
“It’s just … I don’t have any friends on this trip,” I told Mom.
“What about Jeanne Galletta?” Mom asked.
“Jeanne doesn’t count,” I said. “She’s really nice, but it’s not like we’re actually friends.”
I probably (definitely) wasn’t supposed to like Jeanne as much as I did. But try telling that to my brain. I just couldn’t help it.
Right now, Jeanne was standing with the rest of the kids along with her stupid perfect boyfriend, Jared McCall, who I am NOT jealous of. It’s just that Jared’s so good at everything, you kind of want to stick his head in a toilet sometimes.
“Well, I see at least one girl looking your way, Rafe. I think you might be more popular with the ladies than you realize.”
“Don’t say ladies,” I said. “And besides, you’re my mom. You have to say that stuff.”
“How about Ms. Donatello?” Mom said. “You like her, don’t you?”
“Sure,” I said. “For a teacher. But that doesn’t really count.”
“Well, here’s an idea. Why don’t you try making a few new friends?” Mom asked me.
That one was harder to answer. I mean, everyone in middle school already knew me, and it wasn’t like I’d been sitting on all the good parts of my personality so I could bust them out now and start winning popularity contests. I pretty much knew by now who my friends were and who wouldn’t be caught dead talking to me.
I didn’t know if Mom would understand all that, but I’ll bet you do, right?
“I guess,” I mumbled, which was easier than telling her everything I just told you.
“It can’t hurt to be friendly,” Mom said. “I wouldn’t want you to spend the whole trip alone with that sketchbook of yours.”
She had a point. I did bring my sketchbook, for sure. I love to draw, including my Loozer comics, which you may already know about. You’ll definitely see some more of those later.
“Now, you better go or Mrs. Stricker is going to leave without you,” she said.
Mrs. Stricker is the principal of Hills Village Middle School. She also happens to hate the ground I walk on. Right now, she was evil-eyeing me like I was holding up the whole airport.
“Sorry, Ida,” Mom called out to her. “He’s coming!”
“Mmglrrr,” Mrs. Stricker mumbled, which I think was something about should have left without him. But I couldn’t be sure.
“Bon voyage, sweetie!” Mom said, and gave me one more quick hug for luck. “I love you. And remember what I said.”
“I will,” I told her.
And I would.
I’d remember every word … just as soon as I got busy being the least popular kid on that whole trip.
Hey, it’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.
HANG ON. SURE I was all set to be pretty lonely and awkward, but you don’t even know the worst part.
Once everyone said goodbye, Mrs. Stricker and the other chaperones got us all standing in one place and started counting heads.
“We will have four daily roll calls on this trip,” Mrs. Stricker said. “When I call your name, respond with a nice, clear ‘PRESENT.’ Not ‘Yeah’ or ‘Huh?’ or ‘That’s me.’ The proper response is ‘PRESENT.’ Understood?”
And then she started down the list, checking off names in alphabetical order.
“Katrina Anderson?”
“Present!”
“Colin Aziz?”
“Present!”
“Andrea Chin?”
“Yeah! Uh, I mean, present!”
Then all of a sudden, someone was yelling in the airport.
“Excuse me! So sorry! Coming through! Excuse me!”
I looked over and saw this lady running toward us, waving at Mrs. Stricker. Behind her was a man in a suit and tie, carrying a suitcase. They both looked kind of fancy to me, like they belonged on the cover of Whole-Lotta-Money Magazine. But I’d never seen them before.
“I’m so terribly sorry to be late,” the lady said when she got there. “Dryden is going potty in the little boys’ room, but he’ll be right here.”
“Who’s Dryden?” someone said behind me. I was wondering the same thing. Was there some little kid coming on this trip?
“It’s almost time for us to be at our gate,” Mrs. Stricker said. She had this look on her face like she hadn’t gone to the bathroom in a week. I think she was trying to be polite.
“Yes, yes, yes,” the lady said. “Again, I’m soooo very sorry, but I can’t tell you how much Dryden is looking forward to this. We took him to Hong Kong last summer, and he—”
“Here he is!” the man in the suit said. “Come along, Dryden. Chop-chop!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming. Keep your pants on, Dad,” someone said.
When I turned around, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Right there, coming toward us, was the one … the only … Miller.
A.k.a. Miller the Killer.
Also known as the Grim Reaper in size 10 Nikes, and the last kid on earth I wanted to see just then.
Ever since middle school started, Miller and I had been through a lot of ups and downs. Mostly, it was about me trying to stand up for myself and him knocking me back down. During football season, when we were on the same team and I was actually useful to him, we had this weird truce, and things were okay for about five minutes. After our last game, Miller went back to spending most of his time making sure I was suffering enough. I guess everyone needs a hobby.
So on top of being obnoxious, mean, and just dumb enough to be dangerous, it turned out Miller was rich, too. And his name was … Dryden? Nobody at school ever called him anything but Miller. Not even the teachers. I actually kind of thought his full name was Miller Miller.
Meanwhile, I don’t think “Dryden” was nearly as into this trip as his parents were saying. He was standing there now, looking about as excited as an extra-angry cow on the way to the slaughterhouse. And that was lousy news for all of us. Because the only thing worse than regular Miller is Miller in a bad mood.
So far, he hadn’t even noticed me. I guess he was too busy sulking. But there were only thirty-six kids in the group. It wasn’t like I’d blend in forever. It was just a matter of time before I got on Miller’s radar, and then the real fun would begin.
And by real fun, I pretty much mean the exact opposite.
“ALL RIGHT THEN,” Mrs. Stricker said, while Miller’s parents gave him a bunch of hugs and kisses goodbye (which was also weird to see). “Where was I?”
“Andrea Chin,” Alison Prouty said, because she lives to kiss up.
“Present,” Andrea said. “Again.”
“Martin D’Angelo?” Mrs. Stricker said.
“Present!” Martin said.
And it kept going pretty much like that, up to the Ks, which is me. I was standing on the edge of the group, trying not to be noticed, but then Mrs. Stricker called my name.
“Rafe Khatchadorian?” she said.
“Present!” I said … sort of. Except my voice cracked right in the middle of saying it.